New Years is coming up in about 2 days, and you know what that means: people are going to make resolutions that they will keep for a month at best and then forget about. What an inspiring tradition. But seriously, if you make a resolution and then actually keep it for an entire year, you should probably write a self-help book or become a motivational speaker because that’s dedication that the average human is incapable of demonstrating and I would appreciate it if you shared your secrets with us mere mortals.
Now, because I’m an honest person, I’m going to create a list of resolutions for 2014 that I intend to keep throughout the year that, I believe, may be plausible. This is my realistic list of resolutions:
- When 40% or more of my nail polish has been chipped off my nails, I will remove the polish entirely so I look at least minimally presentable.
- When I run out of clean underwear, I will do my laundry. (At the very least, I will wash my underwear)
- If the temperature is below 20°F, I will be sure to wear a coat when outdoors.
- I will NOT punch anyone. Even if I don’t like their face. (Slapping is acceptable)
- If I find myself in a situation in which punching someone is unavoidable, I will throw no more than 6 full punches (this does not include slaps).
- When I feel as if I may faint from hunger, I will be sure to eat food.
- I will eat EasyMac for no more than 4 meals each week, unless I am craving it, then I will eat more.
- I will work out at least thrice each week. Exceptions can be made if exercise does not fit in with my hair washing schedule, if I am convinced that it is too cold to leave the dorm, or if I don’t feel like working out three times every week.
- I will NOT commit any violent crimes, including murder and rape. However, in some cases, assault is acceptable (see resolution #4).
- Even under dire circumstances, I will not build a meth lab in my dorm room. Unless the production and consumption of meth becomes legal in 2014 (entirely possible).
Although it may be difficult, and I may want to quit and forget about my resolutions during the year, I am determined to keep my promise to myself to never stray. Even on days in the middle of the Chicago winter when I really just want to wear my new tube top and miniskirt outside, I will resist. Even when I meet someone who describes my dinosaur sweatshirt as “inappropriate for a business casual occasion”, I’ll hold my fist firmly at my side. And even if I’m hard on cash and have started volunteering myself as a paid medical research subject, I will remind myself that a meth lab would not stay under wraps for very long in my small dorm room. The moral of all this is that life is hard, but as long as you persevere, you can come out a happy, successful, and loving person, even is it takes every ounce of self-control you possess.
I hope everyone has a memorable New Years Eve, and a rewarding 2014 in which you follow up on all your resolutions.
Today, you will learn something new and exciting about me. And, I mean, brace yourselves because this will blow you out of your seat. Ready? Here it goes……….. I seriously love baking.
I know what you’re thinking. “Whoa, Emma! Who would’ve thought that you, a 19-year-old white girl who blogs, would be into baking sweet, Pinterest-worthy confections for your friends and family?” You’re right. Frankly, it’s crazy. While on the outside I may seem like more of a “I only eat food directly from nature that I have either hunted or scavenged for” type, but on the inside, the only thing I enjoy scavenging for is unsalted butter in my fridge to make pie crust, and a viable substitute for sour cream (FYI, it’s plain greek yogurt).
Now that my secret is out in the open, I’m going to share with you the deliciousness that I baked for the Christmas season, as any blogging-baker would. It’s only natural.
On a scale of 1 to Martha Stewart, how Martha Stewart do these baked goods look? I bet you’re dying to know what they are. Ok, I’ll tell you. In the center, delicately resting against each other are chewy molasses cookies, coated in raw cane sugar, for which you can find the recipe here. If I’m gonna be real with you, there are only two cookies in this picture because I literally ate like 12 of the other 16 I baked. Don’t judge. So… Is your mouth watering yet? Just wait. Surrounding the cookies, arranged in a completely organic semi-square are shortbread sticks with rosemary and roasted caraway seeds. The result is a sweet/savory combo sensation that will leave you confused yet satisfied. You can find the recipe for the shortbread along with a picture that puts mine to shame here. Shoutout to Bon Appétit for being the best.
Now that my secret is out, I feel like I can be my true self. What a weight off my shoulders. I hope you all will accept me for the cookie-baking fiend that I am.
Just wait until I hit you with a hair tutorial.
- Relax. A calm mind will help you focus.
- Make a minimum of one sacrifice (animal or human) each day of finals week in order to please the gods. If you have more than one final in one day, be sure the sacrifice is a human, preferably a virgin.
- Make sure to eat and drink enough each day. In order to be successful, you’ll need the energy.
- If you are completing a take-home exam, be sure to wrap yourself in the skin of a male ox for the entirety of your completion of the exam. This will prevent the dark spirits of your past failures from haunting you and possibly causing your hair to fall out.
- Get enough sleep each night. If you’re always tired, your brain won’t be able to function at its full capacity.
- Wear only the color black. Mourning the men and women previously killed by exam week will allow you to fuel your determination by remembering their humiliating failures (you are obviously smarter than them). Also, banshees fear the color black, particularly in the form of leather.
- Wear comfortable clothes to your exam. You won’t be able to think if you can’t move your legs because your jeans are two sizes too small.
- For each exam, present your professor with the heart (a head is acceptable in some cases) of the human or animal that you sacrificed that day. This is a gesture of friendship and respect that will allow them to view you as their equal, therefore looking upon your completed exam with grace and understanding. Prior to presenting the professor with the heart, drain it of blood for several hours to avoid a mess.
- Take study breaks every half hour to give your brain a break and allow it to retain new information.
- Entrust your eldest son** with a small token of yourself (this could be a finger, toe, ear, eyeball, etc. Whichever you feel accurately represents your central chakra) for him to treasure and then ceremoniously burn when your exams are completed. This will provide you with a sense of calm and security while taking your exams, as well as purge you of false knowledge.
- Remember that after your exams, you will get to head home for the holidays and take a well deserved break from schoolwork.
- When taking a written exam, use only the charred end of a palm leaf as a writing utensil. You never know what devious toxins and/or negative auras could lie in the ink of your pen. Better safe than sorry.
If you follow all these steps religiously, you will coast through finals week without a challenge. Unless you’re an aries, cancer, gemini, taurus or capricorn. Then you will most definitely fail. Sorry.
Happy Finals Week! (I never said I was an expert)
** If you do not have a son, a male pet such as a cat or lizard will work as well. However, a daughter or female pet will not work under any circumstances.
As you all know, Thanksgiving was on Thursday, and you know what that means….. LEFTOVERS FOREVER. Now unlike many previous years, this year, Thanksgiving dinner was not held at my home. While said dinner was as delicious as I’d dreamed about for the weeks leading up to it, this left the McVicar household void of leftovers. Because we found this upsetting on multiple levels, my dear mother and father decided it was a good idea to make Thanksgiving dinner on Friday night as well, but keep the leftovers for ourselves. Genius, I know. I love those two.
So, now that my fridge is full of Thanksgiving leftovers, I will now share with you the sandwich that I just made, consumed, and deeply enjoyed. Go make this sandwich right now.
Things you will need to create this sandwich:
- A cold hunk of turkey that you have delicately sliced into strips
- 1/4 cup of gravy that your father made
- 1/2 cup of stuffing that your father also made
- 1 tbsp of mayonnaise, if you please
- Perhaps some cranberry sauce, if that’s what you’re into
- 2 slices of a bread of your choice
- A toaster
- A knife or spoon or fork or spatula or hand (if you are desperate)
- The will to not eat each ingredient separately during the assembly process
- A family that cooked dinner for you to enjoy on Thanksgiving, therefore leaving you with these leftovers
- A napkin or 17
Now for the assembly:
- Place your bread in your toaster and toast to your liking.
- Remove the bread from your toaster, preferably without scalding your fingers.
- Smear mayo on your bread, using your knife/spoon/fork/spatula/hand.
- Arrange the turkey strips on your bread in a manner that covers every square millimeter of bread, leaving no gaps. If there are gaps, slice more turkey you lazy excuse for a human.
- Slap some stuffing on that bitch.
- Douse the stuffing in gravy. (If your gravy has been refrigerated and you find that it is gelatinous and gross, and you are confused, microwave the jelly until it is fluid. Or if you’re hardcore, just slap some of that gelatinous gravy on there. You do you.)
- Place the second slice of bread on top of this masterpiece.
- Cut it in half, again, using your knife/spoon/fork/spatula/hand. As you can gather, the knife is preferable.
- Eat the entire sandwich, even if you are satisfied after one half. “I’m full” is no excuse for wasting food, you ungrateful bastard.
You’re welcome. Happy Thanksgiving.