Trailers are people too.

 

I HAVE RETURNED. Get excited.

Due to the fact that we are currently in the midst of awards season, obviously I’m going to talk about awards. However (plot twist), I will not be commenting on awards that have already been awarded, nor will I be commenting on real awards. I bet you’re all like “whaaat” but you just wait.

Because I love movies so much, we’re going to exclusively consider movies nominated for Academy Awards, specifically Best Picture, because, let’s be honest, it’s the crown jewel of Awards. If you’d like to argue otherwise, don’t, because you’re wrong. Generally, each year I make an effort to see every movie that is nominated for Best Picture, unless I literally fall asleep while watching the trailer, which brings us to what’s important in this post.

Full disclosure, I have yet to see the majority of movies nominated, so I’ve decided to create a new, abbreviated version of the Oscars for people like me who can’t afford to go to the movies every weekend. This version will involve the viewing of solely the preview for each Best Picture nominee and giving awards for what really matters. I’m talking about trailers, people, because even if you arrive late to the movies because “it’ll just be previews for 20 minutes”, you know that deep down you’re kind of sad that you won’t get to freak out over that Captain America trailer for the 5th time (only like 3 more months). Or, in my case, I won’t get to lean over to my neighbor and whisper to them that Chris Evans totally went to my high school. True story.

Now, because I know that Wolf of Wall Street is 3 hours long, and the average person has an attention span of about 8 seconds, I present to you Emma’s Trailer Academy Awards (the Academy consists of me and no one else so deal with it). By the way I made you guys some pretty ballin’ collages using only screenshots of trailers. And you can click any of the names to watch the full trailers. Because I’m incredibly dedicated.

THE NOMINEES:

1. 12 YEARS A SLAVE

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First off, this trailer makes you remember that slavery was seriously the worst. Like who thought that was a good idea? Oh yes, the white man. Second, they managed to strongly communicate that you are most definitely going to cry during this movie. If you thought you were emotionally stable, you won’t be after seeing this movie. I give it the award for Most Likely to Destroy Your Soul and Best Use of Emotional Music.

2. AMERICAN HUSTLE

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Ok, I will admit that I actually saw this movie. However, setting aside my opinion on the full movie (it was great) I can gleam from the trailer that Bradley Cooper is itching for an Oscar. He was like “Ok, the closest I got was in a David O. Russell film with Jennifer Lawrence so let’s just do that again and see where that takes us.” Logical, Brad. You got yourself a great perm and another Oscar nomination. I give the trailer the awards for Chubbiest Christian Bale and Most Fur. Both of which are extremely coveted.

3. CAPTAINS PHILLIPS

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“They’re not here to fish,” says Tom Hanks, as you creep to the edge of your seat and wonder what they ARE here to do. At first, you’re thinking that this is just going to be a classic Somalian pirate abduction movie: purely evil pirates and a captain with a heart of gold and incredible nautical know-how. But wait! Are the pirates really evil? Are they just misunderstood? Is Tom Hanks in on the hijacking? This and many more questions sprout in your mind as you wonder how Captain Phillips will end (ok you know how it ends it’s based on a story that was in the news for like a month). I give it the awards for Most Suspenseful Even Though We Know What Happens and Most Box Office Friendly (I mean Tom Hanks + pirates + action + character development = definite crowd pleaser).

4. DALLAS BUYERS CLUB

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Ok I also saw this movie. But that’s it, I swear. Now, going in to this movie, I had never seen the trailer and this left me unprepared for the roller coaster of emotion I was to experience. Had I seen the trailer prior to the movie, I would have know that it was a heart wrenching tale about a dying man who finds a way to help tons of people. I also would have been prepared to experience the joy that is Jared Leto in drag. I give it the awards for Best Musical Transitions and Runner Up for Most Typical Matthew McConaughey (Oh god, what will win first??).

5. GRAVITY

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I really cannot constructively comment on this trailer because the subject is my LITERAL NIGHTMARE. I think I have seen this movie, but it was in the form of a stress dream. Beautiful cinematography. I give it the award for Most Likely To Give Me Nightmares For More Than  A Week.

6. HER

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I love romance. I love technology. I love Joaquin Phoenix, if not only for his acting, for his incredible name. The moment I saw this trailer, I predicted it would be receiving Oscar attention. Because I like to consider myself a trailer expert. The partnership of man and computer? A comment on the technology connections of our generation? Breaking of societal norms? What could possibly go wrong? I give it the award for Sexiest Computer and Strangest and/or Healthiest On-Screen Relationship.

7. NEBRASKA

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Literally watching this trailer made me depressed and never want to go to Nebraska. Maybe it’s a cinematic wonder, but that trailer was unfortunate. So many old people. And Will Forte. However, it did look pretty. I give it the awards for Most Depressed Looking People (just look at my collage) and Most Aesthetically Pleasing Title Display (that landscape though).

8. PHILOMENA

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The moment I saw Judy Dench and Steve Coogan, I became determined to see this movie. It’s undeniable that they are a match made in heaven and if possible I would like to spend tea time with them every day of my life. Also, nothing strums my delicate heart strings like an unlikely friendship. Like Marlin and Dory. Or Leslie Knope and Ron Swanson. Oh god my heart is fluttering just thinking about them. I can’t wait to see Philomena. I give it the award for Most Giggles Evoked and Most Characters I Want to Hug.

9. THE WOLF OF WALL STREET

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With this trailer, Scorcese is like “this movie will be a goddamn thrill ride and definitely worth 3 hours of your time.” In response, I would say, “I will most definitely see this because Leo.” But will I love him? Will I hate him? Who knows. Also, the use of Kanye’s “Black Skinhead” was simultaneously shocking and exhilarating. I give it Most Typical Mattew McConaughey and Most Likely To Maybe Get Jonah Hill An Oscar But Probably Not.

My toes are freezing right now.

Where have I been??

The unfortunate hiatus I’ve taken from blogging is making me sad, but I’ve been spending all my idle time catching up on my TV shows super busy. It’s almost been a whole month! Well for those of you that actually read this: 1. Bless your hearts and 2. Prepared yourselves for a riveting Oscar-related post coming soon. I’m serious, it’s going to blow your mind. But If it doesn’t blow your mind it will definitely make you giggle to yourself a little bit. Woohoo!

If humanly possible, try to stay warm, everyone.