Winter Quarter 2014 was the worst thing that ever happened.

It’s true. Let’s break this down.

  1. It was winter quarter. Now, being new to Northwestern and the Chicago area, I had yet to experience a winter like the one I experienced this year. However, people who have lived in the Chicago area for their entire lives ALSO had never experienced a winter like this. On a given day, you would look at the weather and it would be like “You’re fine, it’s totally above 0 degrees today, champ”, but then, you step outside and your exposed skin starts to burn because you just entered a wind tunnel of icy death. So you proceed to double check the weather, and it’s like “LOL forgot to tell you about the -40 degree windchill that I put in tiny print under the temperature hahahahahahahaha sucks to be you.” THANKS FOR NOTHING, WEATHER APP. Moral of the story: don’t forget to check the windchill before exiting your home with less than 14 pieces of clothing on. God hates you.

    Jon Snow AKA me this winter:

    http://cdn.uproxx.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/tumblr_ml6p4dIUsC1s7g80wo1_500.gif

  2. I’m pretty sure the Northwestern administrations was like “OK, here’s the plan: we offer literally the worst courses ever for winter quarter because everyone is miserable anyways and they’ll be totally fine with it.” For example, to fulfill my distribution requirements, I had to take Art History’s Intro to Modernism. If you have ever met me, you probably know that I would prefer to do 30 straight hours of calculus than read two pages in a book about modern art. Honestly, who did Kazimir Malevich think he was? I get that you’re trying to start an artistic revolution and all but let’s get real, you painted a black square on a white canvas. And then you painted a white square on a white canvas. It literally does not get more meta than that. Oh, and don’t get me started on Jackson Pollack. I could write essays on why I found Jackson Pollack annoying, but I’ll spare you.
    http://www.usc.edu/dept/LAS/IMRC/course_website/slides11/malev016_opt.jpg Cool story, Kazimir.
    Kazimir Malevich, White on White, 1918

    Cool story, Kazimir. Can’t wait to study this painting for 3 weeks.

  3. I experimented with an on-campus job, because I am most definitely not flushed with cash. Part one of this struggle was with the lack of cash itself, and part two was with the job I experienced. Quick background: I detest small talk. I find it to be silly, awkward, and uninteresting. My job LITERALLY was to conduct small talk with alums on the phone and ask them for money. Could I have picked a job that was less suited for me? Perhaps becoming a professional basketball player would have been less suited to me, or cooking meth, but I can’t think of many others. Essentially, this job brought me mountains of anxiety and hatred for the world that I could not handle, so I quit. Quitting this job was one of the greatest decisions I have ever made. Truly. Next time you get a call from your alma mater asking you for money, take pity on them. The poor soul on the phone may sound chipper, but deep down, their soul is slowly dying. Just give them $5. You can afford it. Skip the venti non-fat soy macchiato for a day in exchange for a shred of the student on the phone’s dignity. Don’t make them click “No Pledge”, it takes a toll.

Emotions when an alum tells me they don’t want to talk to me, they don’t want to give me money, and to never call them again:

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So basically, that was my winter.

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You know I have to write about the Oscars.

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On the grand list of “Things That Emma Likes”, the Oscar’s is at least in the top 3, probably beaten only by breathing air and not dying. But then again those two can probably be combined into one item, so the Oscars is probably number two. If you’re one of those people who doesn’t care about the Oscars, stop reading this right now because I hate you.

I’m sorry, that got aggressive.

But also, I’m not sorry. And, seriously, stop reading.

I must start by talking about Ellen and how she absolutely killed the game. The woman broke Twitter in the most literal sense. She broke it. I literally went on Twitter during the Oscars and tried to follow Ellen and Twitter would not let me, I assume this is because there were MILLIONS of other people also trying to follow Ellen. Also, side note, WHY WAS I NOT FOLLOWING ELLEN IN THE FIRST PLACE? I’m a little horribly disappointed with myself. But don’t fret, I now follow her and all is right in the world.

Another point of discussion: Jared Leto and his beautiful mother. First off, he is 42 year old. I’m not sure you heard me correctly. He is 42 years old. THE MAN DOESN’T LOOK A DAY OVER 25 WITH HIS FLOWING OMBRÉ LOCKS AND RED BOWTIE AND PIERCING BLUE EYES AND CHARMING PERSONALITY. And it’s obvious where he got his looks from, sitting next to his stunning mother with her natural grey hair and equally piercing blue eyes. The Jared/Mama Leto combo was too precious for words. All I’m saying is that I wouldn’t not date him and bring him home to meet my parents at Christmas time. Even if he is old enough to be my father. That being said, Jared and my actual father could definitely bond over their love for white suit jackets (that’s my dad on the left with the grey hair, not at the Oscars, if you can’t figure out which is which).

I’m now going to throw you a curveball by not talking about Lupita Nyong’o (who by the way is perfect in every way and figuratively cleaved my heart in tiny pieces in 12 Years A Slave) and instead talking about Darlene Love. For those of you who don’t know who I’m talking about, Darlene Love was the woman who sang the acceptance speech for 20 Feet From Stardom‘s win as Best Documentary Feature. Real talk, it made me uncomfortable. Now, one can’t deny that Darlene has a fabulous voice. Bill Murray was super into it. I never thought I’d say this, but I just don’t think Bill and I were on the same page. Darlene, darling, unless you were nominated for Best Original Song, the Oscars are not for singing. Take a chill pill. Briefly stifle the diva inside you. It was a weird minute, but I still respect you, Darlene.

Ok, to finish this post, Oscar reaction speed round:

Kerry Washington, you are glowing.

Anna Kendrick cleans up REAL nice.

Pharrell, stop with the hats.

Brangelina, keep doin’ you. Also can you please adopt me.

I think Meryl Streep just doesn’t give an eff anymore and I love it (she shimmied with Pharrell).

Leonardo: the search for an Oscar continues. Keep on keeping on.

Joaquin, where are you??

Steve McQueen, I would probably react in a similar fashion if I won the award for Best Picture. I think you’re my spirit animal.

John Travolta, really good effort on trying to pronounce Idina Menzel’s name. I by that I mean it was a terrible effort.

I could go on but I have to stop somewhere.

Only 364 days until the next Academy Awards.