Hey, Summer, I thought we were friends. But I guess I’ll just hang with Fall now.

Friends don’t abandon friends, Summer. It’s like you just wanted to give me a taste of your splendor and then rip it away from me mercilessly. It’s like everything was fine and dandy, and then today you were like “Hey, Em, quick update: this is your last weekend of the summer and you have to start school on Tuesday.”

Excuse me? How dare you.

“Oh, and also you are now working 12 hours/week so you’re not poor plus another 3 hours where you will continue to make 0$/hour but you are too passive to quit.”

You know what, Summer? I came out to have a good time and I’m feeling so attacked right now. What I’m getting at here is that Summer is a first-class bitch and has left me here all by myself to deal with Fall and her pumpkin-spiced negative attitude. I’m not looking forward to it.

But my largest concern with Fall is that she lives RIGHT NEXT DOOR to the biggest a-hole of all: Winter. Fall tempts us with her pretty orange leaves and breezes just cool enough for us to wear beanies, but all she’s really doing is subtly softening the blow for when Winter comes around. She’ll try and make us feel good and think “Oh, this cold weather isn’t so bad” but it’s all a facade. The excitement of the new school year is not enough to make me forgive you, Fall. I know what you’re doing.

But I digress. So what will I be doing in the limited free time that I will have? I will indulge in Fall’s greatest perk. It’s something that almost makes me forget the deceit. It’s Fall television.

Because I am a lover of the half-hour sitcom, my Hulu homepage becomes fruitful again when the leaves start to fall. The abundance of little green “New Episode” boxes brings me life and hope for a triumphant season. Now that I know you are all wondering what shows excite me, I WILL TELL YOU. Here are the shows I’m jazzed for, ranked by my level of eagerness.

5. New Girl

nick miller

Although New Girl isn’t at the top of my list, I will most definitely still watch it. I feel like it has its moments of utter hilarity, mostly starring Nick Miller, but I also think it has deteriorated from its start. Some characters have developed and gotten amazing (cough cough Winston Bishop), some have remained consistently excellent (cough Nick Miller cough), and some have plateaued (Jessica Day cough cough). Ultimately, I continue to enjoy it and kind of just can’t stop watching it even though it’s not my favorite anymore. So that’s where I’m at here. But god bless Nick Miller.

4. Modern Family

come back mf

I am so excited for the return of this show. It never fails to entertain me because it is the bomb. And it has won like 4 million Emmys. Because it rocks and has been on forever and seriously just keeps getting better. Also my parents love this show. THREE CHEERS FOR GOOD CLEAN FAMILY FUN!!! However, it is not quite at the caliber of my top three. But don’t get me wrong, this show is bomb. In a positive way.

3. The Mindy Project

mindy chocolate fountain

Oh, Mindy, how I love you. What I love about this show is how much it has developed over its two seasons. It has gotten funnier and funnier, especially since Peter Prentice joined the team last season and made me laugh uncontrollably at everything he said. And since Morgan has continued to get weirder and weirder. AND SINCE MINDY AND DANNY ARE A THING NOW. Manny/Dandy forever. Also, I love me a comedic leading lady.

2. Brooklyn Nine-Nine

captain puppies

If you are not watching this show, you should be. I’ll be honest, it took me awhile to get into it, but it truly has delivered. I mean, look at this gif of the captain trying to give away adorable puppies. How can you resist that face?? And I think Andy Samberg is my spirit animal. And I aspire to be Chelsea Peretti. CAN THIS SHOW BE BACK ALREADY PLEASE I MISS IT SO MUCH.

1. Parks and Recreation

Andy

YES, I KNOW, IT’S NOT COMING BACK UNTIL MID-SEASON. But what, was I supposed to not put it on my list? I don’t know how long I can wait for season 7 before I explode. What can I say? Parks and Rec will forever be my boo. My one and only. Except for the four other shows that I listed. Also those. But mostly Parks and Rec. I am obsessed with every character on this show. I mean, just look at this gif. It honestly was nearly impossible for me to choose a gif because they are all perfect. Like, just google “parks and rec gif” and enjoy the ride. BUT IT’S THE FINAL SEASON GUYS, WHAT WILL I DO NEXT FALL? But let us treasure it while we still have time. Also, watch this show, you fool. Treat yo self.

What can I say? Deep down, I love Fall.

johnny

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I was thrust into the air in a metal death trap.

crash
My emotions

Some prefer to call them “planes”.

Now, before I begin this tale, I’d like to preface by saying that I fly all the time. I often tell people how much I hate flying and they respond with the classic “you just aren’t used to it, you have to fly more”.

NO. NO I DON’T. I WILL NEVER BE OKAY WITH FLYING BECAUSE IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE TO ME ON A PRIMAL LEVEL. MY NATURAL INSTINCTS SENSE DANGER WHEN I AM IN THE AIR. Sure, I logically understand how planes work, because my father who knows everything explained it to me. It has to do with the shape of the wings. He drew me a diagram on my boarding pass and everything. THIS BROUGHT ME NO COMFORT. Planes are the only part of my life that I can’t make sense of with logic and facts. My brain is like “Emma, you’re fine” but my heart is like “I AM CURRENTLY 30,000 FEET ABOVE GROUND SUPPORTED SOLELY BY AIR SOMEONE SEND HELP”.

But despite my distaste for flying, I have to do it often, as I am from the east coast but attend school in the midwest. This results in many flights, usually alone. In general, in a large plane, I am able to distract myself while we are in the air and deal with it. I was not prepared to fly to Nantucket. I will now recount my journey.

August 21, 2014

5:03 pm: I have been put on a 7:25 pm flight from Boston to Nantucket, having missed my earlier connection. Yay, I won’t be stuck in Boston tonight and I get to see my family!

5:32 pm: My complimentary wifi has run out at the airport. Still feeling confident in my ability to persevere.

6:17 pm: Another Nantucket flight is boarding. I envy them as I sit at the Cape Air gate, surrounded by men in expensive suits with overnight bags and women wearing unattractive sandals.

7:09 pm: WHEN WILL MY FLIGHT BOARD? Morale is low.

7:22 pm: “Cape Air’s 7:25 flight with service to Nantucket will now begin boarding.” PRAISE.

7:24 pm: I am instructed to walk down a flight of stairs to a door. The door has many signs stating that an alarm will go off if opened. Because I am an educated citizen of the world, I proceed to open this door. Consequently, the alarm goes off. I am scolded. A code is entered. A mother and her children throw shade at me for having made them endure the sound of the alarm. Sry guyz. Don’t judge me.

7:25 pm: A man walks us out on to the tarmac. He tells us to wait. My heart rate increases, sensing that this will not be the flight I expected.

7:26 pm: The man returns and escorts us to THIS TINY LITTLE SHITTY PLANE and says “Here’s your plane.” HE IS NOT JOKING.

Pass.
Pass.

7:27 pm:

ANTM
Why did I choose not to take Xanax today

7:28 pm:  Nope nope nope nope nope nope nope. Just an ocean of nope.

7:29 pm:

bag breath

7:30 pm: We get on the plane. THE PILOT IN SITTING IN THE SEAT IN FRONT OF ME. WE MAY AS WELL HAVE BEEN IN A GODDAMN SUBARU GOING TO THE 7 ELEVEN. RELEASE ME FROM THIS SMALL FLYING METAL BOX.

7:32 pm: We wait on the runway. I see my entire life flash before my eyes, preparing for death.

7:35 pm: The plane takes off and I’m like

ross
I am Ross; Ross is me.

7:41 pm: THIS IS SO REAL I CAN FEEL THE WIND BLOWING

scared plane
CAN WE LAND NOW

7:58 pm: I HOPE NO ONE SAW THAT PANIC-FILLED TEAR STREAM DOWN MY FACE.

8:22 pm: We have landed. We are on solid ground. I AM STILL NOT OKAY. I AM EMOTIONALLY COMPROMISED.

8:25 pm: I go to pee in the airport and silently weep in the stall for a moment before going to retrieve my bag. Is this what PTSD feels like???

8:27 pm: My parents and cousin arrive to pick me up. My mother comes to hug me. I AM WEEPING AND IT WAS KIND OF LIKE THIS:

mom
MOM, HOW COULD YOU MAKE ME DO THAT??

Guys I am not lying, this happened.

For real.

Don’t put me on a plane that small.

That is not safe.

I would have preferred to swim to Nantucket TO BE QUITE HONEST.

I could have died.

Thank god I’m still alive to blog about this.

I went to the US Open and it was glorious apart from the lack of Roger Federer.

 

IMG_2643
Novak Djokovic playing Philipp Kohlschreiber in the Men’s Singles Round of 16.

As you may or may not know, tennis is my favorite sport. It is my favorite sport to play and by far my favorite sport to watch. Most years, because my parents love tennis (and also me), they take me to the US Open with them for a day or two, and it is my favorite event of the entire year. There’s just something about the atmosphere of the New York tournament that could probably turn a tennis hater into a lover. You get to watch the biggest players in the sport compete at the highest level in a big stadium, but also have the opportunity to walk around the grounds and watch up-and-coming players and possible future greats compete while you are literally 20 feet away from them. What more can you want from a sporting event?? It’s the greatest. This year, we went for two days (two day sessions and one night session), and saw lots of awesome matches.

However, each year, when we go to the Open, I have a single goal. This is something that I have yet to accomplish, and will continue to pursue in future years. It has been a journey, full of hope, followed by profound disappointment and deep depression. It is something that I have come so close to I could taste it. This goal I speak of is to see in person the greatest tennis player of all time, the living legend, the one true champion of the tennis court and my heart: Roger Federer. I want to witness his elegance in motion and feel the power of his omnipotence. I want to know what it feels like to watch him brush back his luscious locks in personWill I feel the soft breeze come off his one-handed backhand? Will I finally understand what love is when I watch him gaze up to Mirka in his box? Will I have an out-of-body experience when he ends a point with an expertly placed tweener? These and many more questions have been marinating in my mind for many years now, and none have been answered. His majesty and I have never crossed paths at the Open, something that haunts me every day. Each year that goes by where this dry spell continues, my chances of encountering him become slimmer and slimmer, as His Grace ages deeper into his 30s, passing his prime but continuing to surge through grand slams. This year, while I attended the day session on Tuesday, Roger performed his craft during the night session on the same day. Being at the Billie Jean King Tennis Center at the same time as him was the closest I have ever been to The Champion. What if I never see him? His reign could end at any moment and I could lose my chance to feel his influence forever.

Needless to say, this troubles me.

But I should move on before I begin to weep, for the mere thought of his excellence causes me distress. So to take my mind off of this tragedy, I’ll talk about some people who I did see at the Open this year!

bry FINAL
Bob and Mike Bryan playing Bradley Klahn and Tim Smyczek in the Men’s Doubles 3rd round

The Bryan Brothers! If you are not familiar with them, the Bryan Brothers are twins and are pursuing their 100th career title at the Open this year. 100 TITLES. THAT’S SO MANY. They are super fun to watch and I feel that my two pictures of them really capture their essence. On the left is them at the ready in LITERALLY IDENTICAL positions because they probably have twin telepathy, and on the right is their celebratory chest bump. They kill me. They are essentially the same person. And they’re like pretty old and both have families and it’s adorable. You should watch them. Also because they are American (go USA).

IMG_2682
Venus and Serena WIlliams playing Ekaterina Makarova and Elena Vesnina in the Women’s Doubles Quarterfinals

More doubles! More Americans! It’s the Williams sisters! I bet you’re like “I bet they won with ease because they’re the WIlliams sisters”, but you’re be wrong. They LOST and it was sad and embarrassing. Still enjoyable though! GOD BLESS AMERICA.

Tsonga
Jo WIlfried Tsonga playing Andy Murray in the Men’s Singles Round of 16

Sweet, beautiful Jo Wilfried Tsonga. I watched him play Great Britain’s sweetheart Andy Murray, but I truly was more interested in what Jo Wilfried brought to the table. To quote my father, “Emma, you only want to go watch this match because you have a crush on Tsonga.” And you know what? That is true. I think we all knew that Andy would beat sweet Jo quite easily, but I had faith. I stood by him while he crashed and burned and lost to Andy in 3 sets. Such a shame. But I still had this face to enjoy, so it was all OK. 

Stan
Stanislas Wawrinka at his Round of 16 match against Tommy Robredo

I call the right photo “Pre-Match Stan” and I call the left photo “Exasperated Stan”. They call him the Stanimal for a reason: he plays with true ferocity. I watched this entire match and it was THRILLING. It was like watching two water buffalo fight to the death. But it also was not like that at all because it was two human men playing tennis. But you know what I mean. In the end, Stan was the top buffalo.

nole copy
Novak Djokovic at his Round of 16 match

And finally, precious Nole. For some inexplicable reason, Nole, the number 1 seed at the US Open, was scheduled to play on Armstrong, which is one of the smaller courts. Literally everyone wanted to see him play but not everyone could. But if you had a seat, like I did, IT WAS PRETTY GREAT. Never in my life had I been so close to a champion of his caliber, and it was glorious. While he is no Roger, he is a worthy competitor. He is champion rather than the champion, an important distinction to be made. Bless his soul. He took down poor Phillipp in a clean 3-setter and did a little bit of yelling in Serbian, which is always fun. Fun bonus fact: he just got married to his super hot, pregnant girlfriend! Victory on and off the court for Nole. You go, Glen Coco.

In the end, the take-away from this is that none of these people are Roger Federer.

In conclusion:

rog finger

 

Hey, Rog.

rog montage

 

Hello.

roger hair

 

Roger says “just do it.”

roger-federer-training-o

The one true Champion.

I must go now, because Roger is currently playing Gael Monfils in the quarterfinals and I must support him spiritually.