A new calm


I am in a good mood today. Although I may often come off as the saltiest person you’ve ever encountered on this blog, in real life, I think I’m actually quite pleasant. That’s why I’d like to take a small departure from my normal, angst-ridden self today. But don’t stop reading! There’s more to life than blogging about baked goods and sleeping.

As I was sitting at home this morning, I realized that it’d been awhile since I had posted anything, so I started brainstorming. Usually, I like to write about things that are relevant to my life, or things that maybe some people can relate to. While I was trying to think of a topic that had been on my mind a lot, the only thing that came to mind was what a great place I’m at right now. I was thinking about my week and things that I’d done, and I honestly felt satisfied. The reason I tell you this is because, for me, this doesn’t happen that often. Commonly, I look back at my week and think either “What the fuck was I thinking” or “what am I doing with my life” or “I need to catch up on at least 34 hours of sleep” or “maybe I shouldn’t have eaten an entire box of Cheez Its in one evening”. But this week was different. Except for the Cheez Its part. I probably still did that.

Nothing in particular happened to make note of, but a combination of all the small, normal things that happened has made me feel like I’m finally settling in to myself, and adjusting to this part of my life. Being in college comes naturally to some people, but for a lot of people, it’s a difficult transition. For me, it has been a 2 and a half year transition, and I’m not even sure the transition is over yet. During my freshman year, while the UVM class of 2016 was busy forging new relationships and becoming accustomed to their new environment, I was anxiously curled up in my bed, filling out transfer applications. During my sophomore year, while people were coming back to school, eager to see their friends again and knowing exactly what to expect, I was reorienting myself to a new school, new people, and a new city, living out freshman year all over again.

During my first year at Northwestern, I knew that I had made the right choice transferring here, but was still going through the process of figuring out what I wanted to do and who I wanted to spend my time with. This resulted in me changing my major from computer science to film, which is not exactly a natural transition in and of itself, but it was the right choice for me. I finally (sort of) know what I want to do with my time in school, and can see a path that doesn’t terrify me, which is good. During my sophomore year, I had several people that had known me for a long time comment on how happy I seemed, which was true, but it wasn’t an easy sort of happiness. It was an anxious excitement, filled with self-doubt.

Today, I’m still anxious, and I’m still unsure of where my life is going, but I’ve finally come to terms with it, and realized that it’s ok to not know. This small realization has significantly de-stressed my life. It’s amazing how good if feels to give yourself a break.

My point is this: when you’re young, life is pretty much just a series of transitions, and just because you feel like you’re not in the right place right now doesn’t mean your life is going to hell. I still don’t really know if my life after college will be ideal or not, but I know that I’m trying. I know that at this exact moment, I’m doing what I want to do, even though I might not want to be doing the same thing 5 years from now. I know that it has taken me a long time to feel comfortable on my own and to actually do what I want to do and not what people have told me to do or what I think I should do.

I’ve found that it’s important to remember that everyone around you is living a unique, complicated, difficult, confusing, joyful, and ever-changing life. Believe me, it’s not just you.

Now, to make up for boring you with my ~feelings~, I leave you with several of my favorite gifs.

cat bee

FOTC Jemaine Dance FOTC Sugalumps


10000-maniacs 110000-maniacs-2

I hope everyone is having an inspiring 2015.