A Rebranding.

Let me tell you a story:

A long time ago, in the year 2013, a college sophomore named Emma decided to start a blog. Her decision to start blogging emerged from the desire to write about absolute nonsense on a public platform, because why the heck not. The blog was called “Things Emma Likes”, which frankly, sounds like it isn’t grammatically correct although I’m pretty sure that it is.

Although her intentions were good, Emma was absolutely terrible at blogging. Her posts were sporadic, her drive to promote her blog was nonexistent, and her topics had essentially no commonalities of any sort. But you know what? She was doing her best (sort of). (No she wasn’t).

Fast forward four years to today: October 7th, 2017. Emma has rediscovered said blog, and made the executive decision to resurrect it. Why? Again, why the heck not. However, this time around, Emma has a new outlook. This time, she will write LITERALLY whatever she wants. This blog will be for you (whatever rando is reading this), but also for her. You see, Emma enjoys writing as a outlet, and she finds blogging peaceful, so more than anything, she’s just excited to start writing again. She’s writing for fun, and hopefully, that means her readers will have fun too (or maybe not, good god what do I know???).

Now, for the main event.

[Narrator theatrically removes paper bag from head.]

GOTCHA!! It’s me, Emma. It’s been me all along. I bet you feel stupid right now.

Welcome to “My Marbles”. Get it? Like losing your marbles. Like “my marbles” =  “my wits” or “my mind”. You get it. Marbles.

I have no idea if this will last, but whaddaya say?? Let’s give it a go.

And of course, if my career as a blogger doesn’t work out, there’s always SeekingArrangement.com. No sweat.

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MORALITY: Who’s to say what’s right and what’s wrong?

kronk_unbiased

Here I am.

I find myself sitting idly at home, looking out the window at raindrops falling off the leaves of very happy trees. I am eating a bowl of soggy Frosted Mini Wheats™. My coffee is now lukewarm, but I continue to drink it. I should microwave it, but I don’t.

On days like these, I tend to ponder my Life™, and think about my past triumphs and mistakes. I look to the grey, cloudy sky where the rain originates and ask:

“Am I the worst person ever?”

This Post™ has taken a turn and sounds darker than I anticipated. However, the question still stands. Recently, I have become more conscious of my actions, and have tried to figure out if I am a Good Person™, or if I am The Devil™.

Before I continue, I should disclose to you that earlier today, I discovered that when I type “tm”, it autocorrects to “™”, and you could say that I found this exciting. I should also disclose that none of the items in this post are actual registered trademarks. Apart from Frosted Mini Wheats™.

Anyway, back to the question of my morality. I will now describe to you a situation. This definitely did not happen to me.

Picture this.

You’re on a train. You’ve had a long day at work. I mean, not like a long long day. Not like a “my company is about to go bankrupt and I have to single-handedly save it from extinction” kind of day, but like a “I had to sit in a chair and stare at a computer screen without any human contact all day” kind of day. You’re body hurts. Why? Because you ate too much cheese, and walking down he stairs to the train was the only exercise you’d done in the last 4 months.

When you got on the train, there were seats to spare, so taking one for your ailing body was a guilt-free move. However, as the train makes more and more stops, and enters the heart of the city, the train quickly becomes crowded, and all the previously open seats are now densely occupied. You’re not sure where to set your gaze, because if you look straight ahead, you make eye contact with the nether regions of the tall man who is standing in front of you, holding onto the pole over your head. If you look to your right, your eyes fall upon the bosom of a woman who appears to be asleep while standing up. If you look to your left, it will look like you are reading the text conversation between the woman sitting next to you and her long-distance boyfriend over her shoulder. How do you know he’s long distance? You can see it in her melancholy eyes. Finally, you are left with only one option, which is to look sharply at the ground, almost in shame.

The train continues. People come, and people go, until a very particular person boards the train. She is wearing pristine white tennis shoes, pantyhose, pastel pink slacks, and a matching cardigan/blouse combo. That’s right, it’s an old lady. Her eyes are kind and her purse is large.

You think to yourself, “I’m a capable young woman, I should give her my seat” So, you begin to shift your weight forward to stand up, but you are quickly reminded that your body hurts because you are weak. You shift back into a stationary position, like a beached whale who just tried to roll back into the ocean. You look up at her as she grips the subway pole directly adjacent to you, and sways with the movements of the train. She makes eye contact with you. You know you should give her your seat. She knows you should give her your seat. Yet, no moves are made. More accurately, you make no movements.

You pretend not to notice her. It is obvious that you notice her. You look to your left, where the girl with the long-distance boyfriend is still texting. Shouldn’t she be giving away her seat too?? This gives you a moment of relief, until you turn back and the lady is standing directly in front of you. You forget about the brief moment of relief that you just felt and the guilt comes back, flooding your emotions. However, the guilt does not inhabit you enough for you to do anything about it, because you are a Bad Person™.

Eventually, the train begins to empty, and the lady claims a seat. You can rest easy now. Or can you?? You think about 50 years from now, when you yourself will be an elderly woman. What if you want to ride the train? What if the train is crowded? Will anyone give you a seat? You realize that this hypothetical situation is entirely unrealistic, because by the year 2065, there will be no trains, because everyone will travel by teleportation. But nonetheless, the sentiment of empathy is real. Dare I say, you have fucked up. Lord knows that lady will go home, call her BFF, and rant about the disrespectful girl who failed to give her a seat on the train. To be frank, she has every right to rant about this, because you have failed as a young person, regardless of your cheese consumption on that particular day.

Now, this story is obviously an illustration of the young person being a little bitch one of moral ambiguity. I ask you to ponder it, and think about how you would have reacted. Would you have been a decent human being? Or would you have strictly abided to the “first-come, first-served” rule, as I did this fictional person did?

In conclusion, I think what we’ve all learned here today is that nobody’s perfect. And that the concept of morality is a murky one.

Also, that I may or may not be a Jerk™.

Emma-Stone-Shrug-GIF

My Eyes Hurt: A Descriptive Journey Through South Beach Miami

beach

Recently, while on spring break, my parents presented me with the option of accompanying them on a trip to South Beach in Miami for several days, which naturally, being a poor student, I accepted. With Bill and Kathleen, there is always promise of good food and ever-flowing drinks, which on its own is enough to entice me, being (finally) of legal age.

I had only been to Miami once before, and it was when I was a much younger woman, and by “younger woman”, I mean adolescent girl. My first trip provided me with limited exposure to the bustling, tropical metropolis in the south of Florida, so one could say that I was unprepared for the sensory overload that I experienced in recent times. The quality that struck me about Miami, is that it really comes at ya, if you know what I mean.

Stay with me here.

Landing in the airport in Ft. Lauderdale is like a firm slap to the eyeballs, in the sense that the people there really live out loud. In order to illustrate this sentiment, I feel it necessary to break down the elements of Miami beach, which come together to make something I have never seen. Please enjoy the creeper photos that I subtly took on my iPhone while pretending to text.

Things you will see at South Beach (and beyond):

1. People

IMG_4069
So many.

Lots of them, everywhere. Looking for a relaxing day on the beach where you can read Eleanor Roosevelt’s autobiography? Nice try. You will instead be surrounded by 1 million (lively) people who don’t care that you came out for some goddamn peace and quiet. Above, you will find an image I captured while gazing off the balcony of the apartment that I was staying in. As you can see, the beach is less of a beach than it is a sea of people. If you’re into having 0 privacy and listening to 3 different people directly adjacent to you attempt to blast Top 40 Hits while on the beach, then I would humbly recommend South Beach for your next vacation.

2. People Women wearing matching clothing

IMG_4078
A well defined pack.

With the sheer volume of bachelorette parties and girls weekends that travel to South Beach, this one is not surprising. For a reason that I’ve yet to define, women in groups often wish to identify themselves by sporting a variety of matching clothing articles. Are they concerned that one of them will get separated from the pack and have to find her way back by following a breadcrumb trail made of glitter? It’s unclear. But let me tell you, they are prepared for such an event. So god bless ’em.

3. Metal detectors and a lot of persistence

A strong effort.
A strong effort.

You never know what hides beneath the sand. Gold? Silver? A chastity ring (ahahah no)? A metal studded g-string bikini (probably)? If you try hard and believe in yourself and also buy a metal detector and a fishing hat, then you can find out for yourself. But you’re a lazy chum, sleeping in your chair, getting sunburned, even while under an umbrella. Wait sorry, that’s me.

4. Tasteful airplane banners

IMG_4084
Mmmmmmmmmm.

I must tell you, if you are not familiar with Trojan Studded Bareskin condoms before your trip to Miami, you certainly will be after. Relaxing with your boo? Better get some Trojan Studded Bareskin condoms. Traveling with your kids? Maybe you should’ve used Trojan Studded Bareskin condoms (too harsh?). But if condoms don’t interest you, Aerie will follow closely with an advertisement that tells you that “The real you is sexy!” which is nice and makes you think “Hey, thanks, Aerie.” But is also is maybe a reason to buy Trojan Studded Bareskin condoms.

5. Individuals who are exceptionally drunk

IMG_4075
I didn’t take a picture of a drunk person, so here’s some alcohol instead.

Although a common thread in many large cities, the showing at South Beach is exceptional. Within half an hour of arriving at South Beach, while eating dinner, a man in his later years stumbled down the sidewalk, cocktail in hand. Upon approaching the outskirts of the restaurant we were attending, where two women much younger than him were enjoying their cocktails, the man abruptly paused his drunken journey to stop and stand literally 6 inches from their table and give each of the women a lingering once-over. He then continued on his journey. I must emphasize that no words were spoken by either party, for the man was too smashed, and the women were too alarmed. Additionally, it was not unusual to be dining in the outdoor portion of a restaurant, and have a stammering, intoxicated human chose to take route through the tables of the establishment. Although often alarming, the experience was generally entertaining and sometimes, let’s be honest, relatable.

6. cLuBz

IMG_4103
I can still feel the bass and smell the alcohol.

Looking to turn up at an establishment where the alcohol flows cheap and the lights will pose the risk of seizure in many? South Beach is the place for you. Along the stretch of Ocean Drive, one can find a vast assortment of cLuBz that quite directly meet these requirements. Having never entered one of said cLuBz myself, the scene within is unclear, however, their affinity for exceptionally loud tunes and machines that emit the entirely of the light spectrum are made quite clear to the streets outside. Because really, turn down for what?

7. Selfies

IMG_4100
Just one of a series of attempted selfie angles.

Obviously, because you know what, if you look fly as hell, I hope you tell the world about it. Own that ponytail. Work that up-do. Bye, haters.

Things you will not see at South Beach (and beyond):

1. The color beige

Throw it out, Susan.
Throw it out, Susan.
Atrocious.
Atrocious.
Burn it all.
Burn it all.
What kind of sick joke is this?
What kind of sick joke is this?

Unless it’s your naked body, get rid of it, or cover it in either glitter or something that resembles the coat of wild animal.

2. Pale people

This photo was the right choice.
This photo was the right choice.

No one. There are none. What? You found one? No, you didn’t, that’s a mannequin.

3. Coffee shops

Ugh.
Ugh.

Why drink coffee when you can wake up at noon and immediately start drinking alcohol? The answer is, you don’t. BUCK UP, FOR GOD’S SAKE.

4. Bathing suits with ample coverage

Carol may be 55, but she'll have the supple skin of a 50 -year-old.
Carol may be 50, but she’ll have the supple skin of a 45-year-old.

South Beach is more “sun’s out, guns out” or “sky’s out, thighs out.” Boobs out, breasts out. Butts out, butts. Sorry, I got distracted. The point is, the patrons of South Beach are not particularly concerned with modesty.

5. Clouds

Sunburn
“Jesus, Greg, I told you to put sunscreen on under your deep-v.”

The sun never goes away, which means that it is an extremely dangerous place for white people.

In conclusion, although South Beach may not be my cup of tea, due to my love of neutral colors and ghost-like skin, it is nonetheless a place of intriguing sights and stimulating experiences. The people there pretty much give zero f*cks about what you think, so I give it a 10/10. If you’ve never been, I recommend that you take a trip there, even if only for the people watching. And also because it’s 80 degrees like every day.

sunbathing1

A new calm

life

I am in a good mood today. Although I may often come off as the saltiest person you’ve ever encountered on this blog, in real life, I think I’m actually quite pleasant. That’s why I’d like to take a small departure from my normal, angst-ridden self today. But don’t stop reading! There’s more to life than blogging about baked goods and sleeping.

As I was sitting at home this morning, I realized that it’d been awhile since I had posted anything, so I started brainstorming. Usually, I like to write about things that are relevant to my life, or things that maybe some people can relate to. While I was trying to think of a topic that had been on my mind a lot, the only thing that came to mind was what a great place I’m at right now. I was thinking about my week and things that I’d done, and I honestly felt satisfied. The reason I tell you this is because, for me, this doesn’t happen that often. Commonly, I look back at my week and think either “What the fuck was I thinking” or “what am I doing with my life” or “I need to catch up on at least 34 hours of sleep” or “maybe I shouldn’t have eaten an entire box of Cheez Its in one evening”. But this week was different. Except for the Cheez Its part. I probably still did that.

Nothing in particular happened to make note of, but a combination of all the small, normal things that happened has made me feel like I’m finally settling in to myself, and adjusting to this part of my life. Being in college comes naturally to some people, but for a lot of people, it’s a difficult transition. For me, it has been a 2 and a half year transition, and I’m not even sure the transition is over yet. During my freshman year, while the UVM class of 2016 was busy forging new relationships and becoming accustomed to their new environment, I was anxiously curled up in my bed, filling out transfer applications. During my sophomore year, while people were coming back to school, eager to see their friends again and knowing exactly what to expect, I was reorienting myself to a new school, new people, and a new city, living out freshman year all over again.

During my first year at Northwestern, I knew that I had made the right choice transferring here, but was still going through the process of figuring out what I wanted to do and who I wanted to spend my time with. This resulted in me changing my major from computer science to film, which is not exactly a natural transition in and of itself, but it was the right choice for me. I finally (sort of) know what I want to do with my time in school, and can see a path that doesn’t terrify me, which is good. During my sophomore year, I had several people that had known me for a long time comment on how happy I seemed, which was true, but it wasn’t an easy sort of happiness. It was an anxious excitement, filled with self-doubt.

Today, I’m still anxious, and I’m still unsure of where my life is going, but I’ve finally come to terms with it, and realized that it’s ok to not know. This small realization has significantly de-stressed my life. It’s amazing how good if feels to give yourself a break.

My point is this: when you’re young, life is pretty much just a series of transitions, and just because you feel like you’re not in the right place right now doesn’t mean your life is going to hell. I still don’t really know if my life after college will be ideal or not, but I know that I’m trying. I know that at this exact moment, I’m doing what I want to do, even though I might not want to be doing the same thing 5 years from now. I know that it has taken me a long time to feel comfortable on my own and to actually do what I want to do and not what people have told me to do or what I think I should do.

I’ve found that it’s important to remember that everyone around you is living a unique, complicated, difficult, confusing, joyful, and ever-changing life. Believe me, it’s not just you.

Now, to make up for boring you with my ~feelings~, I leave you with several of my favorite gifs.

cat bee

FOTC Jemaine Dance FOTC Sugalumps

 harry-styles-hit-in-balls

10000-maniacs 110000-maniacs-2

I hope everyone is having an inspiring 2015.

How is it December again already???

RIP Rob Stark: King of the North and king of my heart.
RIP Rob Stark: King of the North and king of my heart.

I feel like I start every post with something along the line of “SORRY I HAVEN’T POSTED IN SO LONG”, so I’m gonna change it up today and start with this:

I APOLOGIZE FOR MY LACK OF POSTS. I’m so bad at this.

Anyway, today I’m going to talk to you, the internet, about the things I am excited for during this upcoming holiday season, because as we all know, if I’m excited for something, you should be too goddamnit. To be quite honest, many of these things have to do with talking to approximately zero people and sleeping a lot. That’s just the kind of gal I am.

But before I begin, I’d just like to set the scene for you. As I write this blog post today, it is about 1pm on Tuesday, December 9th, 2014. This day is important because I have just finished all of my final exams and papers for my fall classes, but still have two weeks before I go home to my family. At this moment, I am in my bed. More importantly, I have not left my bed yet today. I bet you’re thinking, “Wow, you must be hungry”, and you would be right. I am very hungry. But food is a thing that requires preparation, and even worse, leaving my bed. So due to the fact that I do not have a live-in servant, I have not eaten any food on this brisk Tuesday. If you are in the area, please stop by and make me a cup of coffee and maybe some pancakes or something. That’d be great, thanks in advance.

Well, now that you know where I’m at right now, here are some things that I’m looking forward to in this month we call December.

  1. Having an actual reason to stay indoors all day. Now let’s face the facts, winter is gonna get real, fast. I’m already wearing two pairs of pants every day and winter doesn’t even start until the 21st. With this, when people are like “Emma, do you want to come to this party with me?” or “Emma, do you want to come sledding?” or even “Emma, do you maybe think it’s time you went grocery shopping? All you have in your fridge is an egg and 1/4th of a bottle of Sriracha”, I can calmly respond with “No, it is too cold outside, I might get hypothermia if I leave my bed. And, for that matter, an egg with Sriracha sounds like a well balanced meal to me, so you can suck it.”

    Bless you, Anna Kendrick.
    Bless you, Anna Kendrick.
  2. Catching up on television and movies. Saved in a note on my computer (and on my phone if the cursed iCloud would function properly but it doesn’t because I don’t understand it works but we won’t get into that right now) is an extensive list of movies that I need to watch that I feel will enrich my life. Just to give you an idea of the eclectic mix of films I have on there, one of them is Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey, and another is La Bare, which is basically Magic Mike but as a documentary because how on earth could that go wrong??? Well during these next couple weeks, I assure you I will be watching many of these films, alone, in my bed, as classic works of cinematic art SHOULD be enjoyed. I’m so excited.

    Popcorn for days.
    Popcorn for days.
  3. Watching the Victoria’s Secret fashion show. I hate myself.

    Why
    Why
  4. Having time to edit in PEACE. With my ~hectic~ life, I have very little time to actually sit down and work on any project. BUT NO MORE. I can finally express myself through the majesty of software and create things because ART. Also my old computer crashed and burned and I lost a lot of things including part of an edited project that I will now have to start from scratch so yYyyaAaaAAaAsSSSss.  My life RULES.

    #art
    #art
  5. Being able to drink hot chocolate literally all the time and have it not be weird. CHRISTMAS IS THE SEASON OF HOT CHOCOLATE AND THAT’S HOW IT IS OK? And putting peppermint and cinnamon in things. AND NOT HAVING ANYTHING PUMKIN SPICED. Team “Winter Flavors” for life. Also hot cider is cool too, but it’s not actually, you know… cool… because it’s hot… temperature-wise… you know what I mean. But hot cider get’s a lot of it’s cool factor from it’s ability to be spiked with your liquor of choice, which is nice. It can warm you physically AND emotionally. Win-win.

    Yes, I'll have 6 more please.
    Yes, I’ll have 6 more please.
  6. ChRiStMaS!!! ‘Tis the season to receive lots of presents but also have to spend an annoying mount of money on things for other people who are IMPOSSIBLE to buy for. Buying gifts for people is fun, until it’s December 24th and you find yourself in the picture frame section of AC Moore looking for gifts for your family who you KNOW ARE GONNA HATE PICTURE FRAMES. Christmas also comes with the whole “spend time with your loved ones” thing which is also pretty dope.

    Duh.
    Duh.
  7. You can bet I’ll be playing a lot of ukulele. And I will probably learn a weird rendition of  “Welcome to the Black Parade” by My Chemical Romance because FUCK IT WHY NOT?

    Ukulele angst
    Ukulele angst

I hope everyone is as excited for December as I am.

Also, I am now posting this at 10:22pm because I tragically had to leave my bed today and eat food, among other things. Being a person is so hard.

Hey, Summer, I thought we were friends. But I guess I’ll just hang with Fall now.

Friends don’t abandon friends, Summer. It’s like you just wanted to give me a taste of your splendor and then rip it away from me mercilessly. It’s like everything was fine and dandy, and then today you were like “Hey, Em, quick update: this is your last weekend of the summer and you have to start school on Tuesday.”

Excuse me? How dare you.

“Oh, and also you are now working 12 hours/week so you’re not poor plus another 3 hours where you will continue to make 0$/hour but you are too passive to quit.”

You know what, Summer? I came out to have a good time and I’m feeling so attacked right now. What I’m getting at here is that Summer is a first-class bitch and has left me here all by myself to deal with Fall and her pumpkin-spiced negative attitude. I’m not looking forward to it.

But my largest concern with Fall is that she lives RIGHT NEXT DOOR to the biggest a-hole of all: Winter. Fall tempts us with her pretty orange leaves and breezes just cool enough for us to wear beanies, but all she’s really doing is subtly softening the blow for when Winter comes around. She’ll try and make us feel good and think “Oh, this cold weather isn’t so bad” but it’s all a facade. The excitement of the new school year is not enough to make me forgive you, Fall. I know what you’re doing.

But I digress. So what will I be doing in the limited free time that I will have? I will indulge in Fall’s greatest perk. It’s something that almost makes me forget the deceit. It’s Fall television.

Because I am a lover of the half-hour sitcom, my Hulu homepage becomes fruitful again when the leaves start to fall. The abundance of little green “New Episode” boxes brings me life and hope for a triumphant season. Now that I know you are all wondering what shows excite me, I WILL TELL YOU. Here are the shows I’m jazzed for, ranked by my level of eagerness.

5. New Girl

nick miller

Although New Girl isn’t at the top of my list, I will most definitely still watch it. I feel like it has its moments of utter hilarity, mostly starring Nick Miller, but I also think it has deteriorated from its start. Some characters have developed and gotten amazing (cough cough Winston Bishop), some have remained consistently excellent (cough Nick Miller cough), and some have plateaued (Jessica Day cough cough). Ultimately, I continue to enjoy it and kind of just can’t stop watching it even though it’s not my favorite anymore. So that’s where I’m at here. But god bless Nick Miller.

4. Modern Family

come back mf

I am so excited for the return of this show. It never fails to entertain me because it is the bomb. And it has won like 4 million Emmys. Because it rocks and has been on forever and seriously just keeps getting better. Also my parents love this show. THREE CHEERS FOR GOOD CLEAN FAMILY FUN!!! However, it is not quite at the caliber of my top three. But don’t get me wrong, this show is bomb. In a positive way.

3. The Mindy Project

mindy chocolate fountain

Oh, Mindy, how I love you. What I love about this show is how much it has developed over its two seasons. It has gotten funnier and funnier, especially since Peter Prentice joined the team last season and made me laugh uncontrollably at everything he said. And since Morgan has continued to get weirder and weirder. AND SINCE MINDY AND DANNY ARE A THING NOW. Manny/Dandy forever. Also, I love me a comedic leading lady.

2. Brooklyn Nine-Nine

captain puppies

If you are not watching this show, you should be. I’ll be honest, it took me awhile to get into it, but it truly has delivered. I mean, look at this gif of the captain trying to give away adorable puppies. How can you resist that face?? And I think Andy Samberg is my spirit animal. And I aspire to be Chelsea Peretti. CAN THIS SHOW BE BACK ALREADY PLEASE I MISS IT SO MUCH.

1. Parks and Recreation

Andy

YES, I KNOW, IT’S NOT COMING BACK UNTIL MID-SEASON. But what, was I supposed to not put it on my list? I don’t know how long I can wait for season 7 before I explode. What can I say? Parks and Rec will forever be my boo. My one and only. Except for the four other shows that I listed. Also those. But mostly Parks and Rec. I am obsessed with every character on this show. I mean, just look at this gif. It honestly was nearly impossible for me to choose a gif because they are all perfect. Like, just google “parks and rec gif” and enjoy the ride. BUT IT’S THE FINAL SEASON GUYS, WHAT WILL I DO NEXT FALL? But let us treasure it while we still have time. Also, watch this show, you fool. Treat yo self.

What can I say? Deep down, I love Fall.

johnny

I was thrust into the air in a metal death trap.

crash
My emotions

Some prefer to call them “planes”.

Now, before I begin this tale, I’d like to preface by saying that I fly all the time. I often tell people how much I hate flying and they respond with the classic “you just aren’t used to it, you have to fly more”.

NO. NO I DON’T. I WILL NEVER BE OKAY WITH FLYING BECAUSE IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE TO ME ON A PRIMAL LEVEL. MY NATURAL INSTINCTS SENSE DANGER WHEN I AM IN THE AIR. Sure, I logically understand how planes work, because my father who knows everything explained it to me. It has to do with the shape of the wings. He drew me a diagram on my boarding pass and everything. THIS BROUGHT ME NO COMFORT. Planes are the only part of my life that I can’t make sense of with logic and facts. My brain is like “Emma, you’re fine” but my heart is like “I AM CURRENTLY 30,000 FEET ABOVE GROUND SUPPORTED SOLELY BY AIR SOMEONE SEND HELP”.

But despite my distaste for flying, I have to do it often, as I am from the east coast but attend school in the midwest. This results in many flights, usually alone. In general, in a large plane, I am able to distract myself while we are in the air and deal with it. I was not prepared to fly to Nantucket. I will now recount my journey.

August 21, 2014

5:03 pm: I have been put on a 7:25 pm flight from Boston to Nantucket, having missed my earlier connection. Yay, I won’t be stuck in Boston tonight and I get to see my family!

5:32 pm: My complimentary wifi has run out at the airport. Still feeling confident in my ability to persevere.

6:17 pm: Another Nantucket flight is boarding. I envy them as I sit at the Cape Air gate, surrounded by men in expensive suits with overnight bags and women wearing unattractive sandals.

7:09 pm: WHEN WILL MY FLIGHT BOARD? Morale is low.

7:22 pm: “Cape Air’s 7:25 flight with service to Nantucket will now begin boarding.” PRAISE.

7:24 pm: I am instructed to walk down a flight of stairs to a door. The door has many signs stating that an alarm will go off if opened. Because I am an educated citizen of the world, I proceed to open this door. Consequently, the alarm goes off. I am scolded. A code is entered. A mother and her children throw shade at me for having made them endure the sound of the alarm. Sry guyz. Don’t judge me.

7:25 pm: A man walks us out on to the tarmac. He tells us to wait. My heart rate increases, sensing that this will not be the flight I expected.

7:26 pm: The man returns and escorts us to THIS TINY LITTLE SHITTY PLANE and says “Here’s your plane.” HE IS NOT JOKING.

Pass.
Pass.

7:27 pm:

ANTM
Why did I choose not to take Xanax today

7:28 pm:  Nope nope nope nope nope nope nope. Just an ocean of nope.

7:29 pm:

bag breath

7:30 pm: We get on the plane. THE PILOT IN SITTING IN THE SEAT IN FRONT OF ME. WE MAY AS WELL HAVE BEEN IN A GODDAMN SUBARU GOING TO THE 7 ELEVEN. RELEASE ME FROM THIS SMALL FLYING METAL BOX.

7:32 pm: We wait on the runway. I see my entire life flash before my eyes, preparing for death.

7:35 pm: The plane takes off and I’m like

ross
I am Ross; Ross is me.

7:41 pm: THIS IS SO REAL I CAN FEEL THE WIND BLOWING

scared plane
CAN WE LAND NOW

7:58 pm: I HOPE NO ONE SAW THAT PANIC-FILLED TEAR STREAM DOWN MY FACE.

8:22 pm: We have landed. We are on solid ground. I AM STILL NOT OKAY. I AM EMOTIONALLY COMPROMISED.

8:25 pm: I go to pee in the airport and silently weep in the stall for a moment before going to retrieve my bag. Is this what PTSD feels like???

8:27 pm: My parents and cousin arrive to pick me up. My mother comes to hug me. I AM WEEPING AND IT WAS KIND OF LIKE THIS:

mom
MOM, HOW COULD YOU MAKE ME DO THAT??

Guys I am not lying, this happened.

For real.

Don’t put me on a plane that small.

That is not safe.

I would have preferred to swim to Nantucket TO BE QUITE HONEST.

I could have died.

Thank god I’m still alive to blog about this.