A long time ago, in the year 2013, a college sophomore named Emma decided to start a blog. Her decision to start blogging emerged from the desire to write about absolute nonsense on a public platform, because why the heck not. The blog was called “Things Emma Likes”, which frankly, sounds like it isn’t grammatically correct although I’m pretty sure that it is.
Although her intentions were good, Emma was absolutely terrible at blogging. Her posts were sporadic, her drive to promote her blog was nonexistent, and her topics had essentially no commonalities of any sort. But you know what? She was doing her best (sort of). (No she wasn’t).
Fast forward four years to today: October 7th, 2017. Emma has rediscovered said blog, and made the executive decision to resurrect it. Why? Again, why the heck not. However, this time around, Emma has a new outlook. This time, she will write LITERALLY whatever she wants. This blog will be for you (whatever rando is reading this), but also for her. You see, Emma enjoys writing as a outlet, and she finds blogging peaceful, so more than anything, she’s just excited to start writing again. She’s writing for fun, and hopefully, that means her readers will have fun too (or maybe not, good god what do I know???).
Now, for the main event.
[Narrator theatrically removes paper bag from head.]
GOTCHA!! It’s me, Emma. It’s been me all along. I bet you feel stupid right now.
Welcome to “My Marbles”. Get it? Like losing your marbles. Like “my marbles” = “my wits” or “my mind”. You get it. Marbles.
I have no idea if this will last, but whaddaya say?? Let’s give it a go.
And of course, if my career as a blogger doesn’t work out, there’s always SeekingArrangement.com. No sweat.
Recently, while on spring break, my parents presented me with the option of accompanying them on a trip to South Beach in Miami for several days, which naturally, being a poor student, I accepted. With Bill and Kathleen, there is always promise of good food and ever-flowing drinks, which on its own is enough to entice me, being (finally) of legal age.
I had only been to Miami once before, and it was when I was a much younger woman, and by “younger woman”, I mean adolescent girl. My first trip provided me with limited exposure to the bustling, tropical metropolis in the south of Florida, so one could say that I was unprepared for the sensory overload that I experienced in recent times. The quality that struck me about Miami, is that it really comes at ya, if you know what I mean.
Stay with me here.
Landing in the airport in Ft. Lauderdale is like a firm slap to the eyeballs, in the sense that the people there really live out loud. In order to illustrate this sentiment, I feel it necessary to break down the elements of Miami beach, which come together to make something I have never seen. Please enjoy the creeper photos that I subtly took on my iPhone while pretending to text.
Things you will see at South Beach (and beyond):
Lots of them, everywhere. Looking for a relaxing day on the beach where you can read Eleanor Roosevelt’s autobiography? Nice try. You will instead be surrounded by 1 million (lively) people who don’t care that you came out for some goddamn peace and quiet. Above, you will find an image I captured while gazing off the balcony of the apartment that I was staying in. As you can see, the beach is less of a beach than it is a sea of people. If you’re into having 0 privacy and listening to 3 different people directly adjacent to you attempt to blast Top 40 Hits while on the beach, then I would humbly recommend South Beach for your next vacation.
2. People Women wearing matching clothing
With the sheer volume of bachelorette parties and girls weekends that travel to South Beach, this one is not surprising. For a reason that I’ve yet to define, women in groups often wish to identify themselves by sporting a variety of matching clothing articles. Are they concerned that one of them will get separated from the pack and have to find her way back by following a breadcrumb trail made of glitter? It’s unclear. But let me tell you, they are prepared for such an event. So god bless ’em.
3. Metal detectors and a lot of persistence
You never know what hides beneath the sand. Gold? Silver? A chastity ring (ahahah no)? A metal studded g-string bikini (probably)? If you try hard and believe in yourself and also buy a metal detector and a fishing hat, then you can find out for yourself. But you’re a lazy chum, sleeping in your chair, getting sunburned, even while under an umbrella. Wait sorry, that’s me.
4. Tasteful airplane banners
I must tell you, if you are not familiar with Trojan Studded Bareskin condoms before your trip to Miami, you certainly will be after. Relaxing with your boo? Better get some Trojan Studded Bareskin condoms. Traveling with your kids? Maybe you should’ve used Trojan Studded Bareskin condoms (too harsh?). But if condoms don’t interest you, Aerie will follow closely with an advertisement that tells you that “The real you is sexy!” which is nice and makes you think “Hey, thanks, Aerie.” But is also is maybe a reason to buy Trojan Studded Bareskin condoms.
5. Individuals who are exceptionally drunk
Although a common thread in many large cities, the showing at South Beach is exceptional. Within half an hour of arriving at South Beach, while eating dinner, a man in his later years stumbled down the sidewalk, cocktail in hand. Upon approaching the outskirts of the restaurant we were attending, where two women much younger than him were enjoying their cocktails, the man abruptly paused his drunken journey to stop and stand literally 6 inches from their table and give each of the women a lingering once-over. He then continued on his journey. I must emphasize that no words were spoken by either party, for the man was too smashed, and the women were too alarmed. Additionally, it was not unusual to be dining in the outdoor portion of a restaurant, and have a stammering, intoxicated human chose to take route through the tables of the establishment. Although often alarming, the experience was generally entertaining and sometimes, let’s be honest, relatable.
Looking to turn up at an establishment where the alcohol flows cheap and the lights will pose the risk of seizure in many? South Beach is the place for you. Along the stretch of Ocean Drive, one can find a vast assortment of cLuBz that quite directly meet these requirements. Having never entered one of said cLuBz myself, the scene within is unclear, however, their affinity for exceptionally loud tunes and machines that emit the entirely of the light spectrum are made quite clear to the streets outside. Because really, turn down for what?
Obviously, because you know what, if you look fly as hell, I hope you tell the world about it. Own that ponytail. Work that up-do. Bye, haters.
Things you will not see at South Beach (and beyond):
1. The color beige
Unless it’s your naked body, get rid of it, or cover it in either glitter or something that resembles the coat of wild animal.
2. Pale people
No one. There are none. What? You found one? No, you didn’t, that’s a mannequin.
3. Coffee shops
Why drink coffee when you can wake up at noon and immediately start drinking alcohol? The answer is, you don’t. BUCK UP, FOR GOD’S SAKE.
4. Bathing suits with ample coverage
South Beach is more “sun’s out, guns out” or “sky’s out, thighs out.” Boobs out, breasts out. Butts out, butts. Sorry, I got distracted. The point is, the patrons of South Beach are not particularly concerned with modesty.
The sun never goes away, which means that it is an extremely dangerous place for white people.
In conclusion, although South Beach may not be my cup of tea, due to my love of neutral colors and ghost-like skin, it is nonetheless a place of intriguing sights and stimulating experiences. The people there pretty much give zero f*cks about what you think, so I give it a 10/10. If you’ve never been, I recommend that you take a trip there, even if only for the people watching. And also because it’s 80 degrees like every day.
Friends don’t abandon friends, Summer. It’s like you just wanted to give me a taste of your splendor and then rip it away from me mercilessly. It’s like everything was fine and dandy, and then today you were like “Hey, Em, quick update: this is your last weekend of the summer and you have to start school on Tuesday.”
Excuse me? How dare you.
“Oh, and also you are now working 12 hours/week so you’re not poor plus another 3 hours where you will continue to make 0$/hour but you are too passive to quit.”
You know what, Summer? I came out to have a good time and I’m feeling so attacked right now. What I’m getting at here is that Summer is a first-class bitch and has left me here all by myself to deal with Fall and her pumpkin-spiced negative attitude. I’m not looking forward to it.
But my largest concern with Fall is that she lives RIGHT NEXT DOOR to the biggest a-hole of all: Winter. Fall tempts us with her pretty orange leaves and breezes just cool enough for us to wear beanies, but all she’s really doing is subtly softening the blow for when Winter comes around. She’ll try and make us feel good and think “Oh, this cold weather isn’t so bad” but it’s all a facade. The excitement of the new school year is not enough to make me forgive you, Fall. I know what you’re doing.
But I digress. So what will I be doing in the limited free time that I will have? I will indulge in Fall’s greatest perk. It’s something that almost makes me forget the deceit. It’s Fall television.
Because I am a lover of the half-hour sitcom, my Hulu homepage becomes fruitful again when the leaves start to fall. The abundance of little green “New Episode” boxes brings me life and hope for a triumphant season. Now that I know you are all wondering what shows excite me, I WILL TELL YOU. Here are the shows I’m jazzed for, ranked by my level of eagerness.
5. New Girl
Although New Girl isn’t at the top of my list, I will most definitely still watch it. I feel like it has its moments of utter hilarity, mostly starring Nick Miller, but I also think it has deteriorated from its start. Some characters have developed and gotten amazing (cough cough Winston Bishop), some have remained consistently excellent (cough Nick Miller cough), and some have plateaued (Jessica Day cough cough). Ultimately, I continue to enjoy it and kind of just can’t stop watching it even though it’s not my favorite anymore. So that’s where I’m at here. But god bless Nick Miller.
4. Modern Family
I am so excited for the return of this show. It never fails to entertain me because it is the bomb. And it has won like 4 million Emmys. Because it rocks and has been on forever and seriously just keeps getting better. Also my parents love this show. THREE CHEERS FOR GOOD CLEAN FAMILY FUN!!! However, it is not quite at the caliber of my top three. But don’t get me wrong, this show is bomb. In a positive way.
3. The Mindy Project
Oh, Mindy, how I love you. What I love about this show is how much it has developed over its two seasons. It has gotten funnier and funnier, especially since Peter Prentice joined the team last season and made me laugh uncontrollably at everything he said. And since Morgan has continued to get weirder and weirder. AND SINCE MINDY AND DANNY ARE A THING NOW. Manny/Dandy forever. Also, I love me a comedic leading lady.
2. Brooklyn Nine-Nine
If you are not watching this show, you should be. I’ll be honest, it took me awhile to get into it, but it truly has delivered. I mean, look at this gif of the captain trying to give away adorable puppies. How can you resist that face?? And I think Andy Samberg is my spirit animal. And I aspire to be Chelsea Peretti. CAN THIS SHOW BE BACK ALREADY PLEASE I MISS IT SO MUCH.
1. Parks and Recreation
YES, I KNOW, IT’S NOT COMING BACK UNTIL MID-SEASON. But what, was I supposed to not put it on my list? I don’t know how long I can wait for season 7 before I explode. What can I say? Parks and Rec will forever be my boo. My one and only. Except for the four other shows that I listed. Also those. But mostly Parks and Rec. I am obsessed with every character on this show. I mean, just look at this gif. It honestly was nearly impossible for me to choose a gif because they are all perfect. Like, just google “parks and rec gif” and enjoy the ride. BUT IT’S THE FINAL SEASON GUYS, WHAT WILL I DO NEXT FALL? But let us treasure it while we still have time. Also, watch this show, you fool. Treat yo self.
Now, before I begin this tale, I’d like to preface by saying that I fly all the time. I often tell people how much I hate flying and they respond with the classic “you just aren’t used to it, you have to fly more”.
NO. NO I DON’T. I WILL NEVER BE OKAY WITH FLYING BECAUSE IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE TO ME ON A PRIMAL LEVEL. MY NATURAL INSTINCTS SENSE DANGER WHEN I AM IN THE AIR. Sure, I logically understand how planes work, because my father who knows everything explained it to me. It has to do with the shape of the wings. He drew me a diagram on my boarding pass and everything. THIS BROUGHT ME NO COMFORT. Planes are the only part of my life that I can’t make sense of with logic and facts. My brain is like “Emma, you’re fine” but my heart is like “I AM CURRENTLY 30,000 FEET ABOVE GROUND SUPPORTED SOLELY BY AIR SOMEONE SEND HELP”.
But despite my distaste for flying, I have to do it often, as I am from the east coast but attend school in the midwest. This results in many flights, usually alone. In general, in a large plane, I am able to distract myself while we are in the air and deal with it. I was not prepared to fly to Nantucket. I will now recount my journey.
August 21, 2014
5:03 pm: I have been put on a 7:25 pm flight from Boston to Nantucket, having missed my earlier connection. Yay, I won’t be stuck in Boston tonight and I get to see my family!
5:32 pm: My complimentary wifi has run out at the airport. Still feeling confident in my ability to persevere.
6:17 pm: Another Nantucket flight is boarding. I envy them as I sit at the Cape Air gate, surrounded by men in expensive suits with overnight bags and women wearing unattractive sandals.
7:09 pm: WHEN WILL MY FLIGHT BOARD? Morale is low.
7:22 pm: “Cape Air’s 7:25 flight with service to Nantucket will now begin boarding.” PRAISE.
7:24 pm: I am instructed to walk down a flight of stairs to a door. The door has many signs stating that an alarm will go off if opened. Because I am an educated citizen of the world, I proceed to open this door. Consequently, the alarm goes off. I am scolded. A code is entered. A mother and her children throw shade at me for having made them endure the sound of the alarm. Sry guyz. Don’t judge me.
7:25 pm: A man walks us out on to the tarmac. He tells us to wait. My heart rate increases, sensing that this will not be the flight I expected.
7:26 pm: The man returns and escorts us to THIS TINY LITTLE SHITTY PLANE and says “Here’s your plane.” HE IS NOT JOKING.
7:28 pm: Nope nope nope nope nope nope nope. Just an ocean of nope.
7:30 pm: We get on the plane. THE PILOT IN SITTING IN THE SEAT IN FRONT OF ME. WE MAY AS WELL HAVE BEEN IN A GODDAMN SUBARU GOING TO THE 7 ELEVEN. RELEASE ME FROM THIS SMALL FLYING METAL BOX.
7:32 pm: We wait on the runway. I see my entire life flash before my eyes, preparing for death.
7:35 pm: The plane takes off and I’m like
7:41 pm: THIS IS SO REAL I CAN FEEL THE WIND BLOWING
7:58 pm: I HOPE NO ONE SAW THAT PANIC-FILLED TEAR STREAM DOWN MY FACE.
8:22 pm: We have landed. We are on solid ground. I AM STILL NOT OKAY. I AM EMOTIONALLY COMPROMISED.
8:25 pm: I go to pee in the airport and silently weep in the stall for a moment before going to retrieve my bag. Is this what PTSD feels like???
8:27 pm: My parents and cousin arrive to pick me up. My mother comes to hug me. I AM WEEPING AND IT WAS KIND OF LIKE THIS:
Guys I am not lying, this happened.
Don’t put me on a plane that small.
That is not safe.
I would have preferred to swim to Nantucket TO BE QUITE HONEST.
So I kind of did this once before with Disclosure, but I wanted to share some more of my favorite songs with you guys. BECAUSE I LOVE TO JAM. If you know me, then you probably know that I pretty much always have music playing, regardless of what I’m doing. Like, it probably gets annoying. I also listen to pretty much every genre of music. Except country. I can’t get behind country. I apologize to my southern readers, if I have any. But also I don’t apologize because I’m just doing me over here. God bless America.
Anyway, here are some songs that I enjoy. I tried to create an eclectic mixture for you guys. All the song links are to Spotify. And if you don’t use Spotify… what are you doing? Get a Spotify account, you fool.
Also, I’ve made the decision to scatter secret, hilarious gifs throughout this post. So I dunno maybe you should click on a couple links…..
1. Thinking About You (feat. Ayah Marar) – Calvin HarrisAlright, I know what you’re thinking. “Emma, you’re so mainstream ugh who are you.” YOU KNOW WHAT? I AM MAINSTREAM. OK? All I’m saying is that I’ve been jamming to this song HARDCORE in recent times, and I thought I’d confide in you guys about what my life is like. Mostly it’s me doing normal things, but with this song playing in the background. To be honest, I’m listening to it right now. I was not lying. I goddamn love this song. It makes me feel like I’m in da club but everything is in dramatic slow motion.
I have loved Paolo for a long time. I think he has a really cool voice and I just really love his sound. His slow songs (like this one) are incredible and I love them to death, but this song is also awesome and makes me wanna DANCE. In other words, you should all go download all of his music and listen to it forever and always. He is one artist who I always go back to and continuously love. Also, a couple months ago he released an EP that is SUPER GOOD which you can listen to here. Paolo is the bomb. He’s also super cute, which is a fun bonus.
DRAKE, OBVIOUSLY. If you haven’t listened to this album, I’m sorry for you because it made my life better. It’s fantastic. Drake is fantastic. This song is fantastic. Jhene Aiko is fantastic. I love everything. I can’t even find the words to describe my feelings. Shoutout to Drake for being PERFECT. (<– you’re welcome for that clip)
Sweet, sweet, beautiful Ed. Bless him. He knows how to melt hearts, for sure. I would like to hug him, I feel like he gives great hugs, but you know, that’s for another post. This song doesn’t have a lot going on, but it’s a lovely lullaby, and I enjoy listening to it while lying in bed, pondering life. I also enjoy strumming it on my ukulele, mostly because it consists of like 4 chords and I can play it while half asleep. Fun fact: I once lulled myself to sleep while playing this on the ukulele, that’s how soothing/easy it is. The moral of the story is that you should probably go out and buy a ukulele. Or just listen to this song. Both will make you happy/sleepy.
Always a crowd pleaser. Great for times when you’re drunk and feel like chanting something and/or jumping up and down a lot. I also enjoy playing this at full volume in my car and rolling down all the windows and singing really loudly at stop lights. It either makes the people next to me want to jam along or makes them roll up their windows. It’s really toss up. But I highly recommend it, because it will boost your spirits. Thank you for this anthem, Fratellis.
For some inexplicable reason, I love working out to this song. Maybe it’s the rhythm of it. I DON’T KNOW, but it energizes me. And, of course, OK Go are music video masters, and this song is no exception. If you like men in white clothing and furry animals, you should definitely watch it. Seriously, go. But wait, read the rest of this post first. And then go. OK go.
I MEAN, COME ON. GODDAMN YOU SAM SMITH AND YOU’RE GOLDEN VOCAL CHORDS. I CAN’T EVEN CALMLY DISCUSS YOU, SAM. The first time I heard this song I LEGITIMATELY CRIED for two reasons: 1) this song is heart-wrenching and 2) THIS MUST BE WHAT ANGELS SOUND LIKE. Sam, I’ll love you forever. When I own the world, I will force Sam Smith to live with me and serenade me every moment of every day. Thank you and goodbye.
In conclusion, to quote the immortal Cansei de Ser Sexy, “Music is my brother, music is my great granddaughter.”
I now realize that perhaps my choice of lyrics was a bit specific and nonsensical, but you see what I’m saying.
Also, this is my first post in quite awhile that actually correlates to the name of this blog, rather than “Things That Emma Rambles About”. That would probably be a more accurate blog name, to be honest.
Wow, I can’t believe you’re still reading this. Please go and continue living your life. I’ll just be here, listening to Sam Smith like: