My Eyes Hurt: A Descriptive Journey Through South Beach Miami


Recently, while on spring break, my parents presented me with the option of accompanying them on a trip to South Beach in Miami for several days, which naturally, being a poor student, I accepted. With Bill and Kathleen, there is always promise of good food and ever-flowing drinks, which on its own is enough to entice me, being (finally) of legal age.

I had only been to Miami once before, and it was when I was a much younger woman, and by “younger woman”, I mean adolescent girl. My first trip provided me with limited exposure to the bustling, tropical metropolis in the south of Florida, so one could say that I was unprepared for the sensory overload that I experienced in recent times. The quality that struck me about Miami, is that it really comes at ya, if you know what I mean.

Stay with me here.

Landing in the airport in Ft. Lauderdale is like a firm slap to the eyeballs, in the sense that the people there really live out loud. In order to illustrate this sentiment, I feel it necessary to break down the elements of Miami beach, which come together to make something I have never seen. Please enjoy the creeper photos that I subtly took on my iPhone while pretending to text.

Things you will see at South Beach (and beyond):

1. People

So many.

Lots of them, everywhere. Looking for a relaxing day on the beach where you can read Eleanor Roosevelt’s autobiography? Nice try. You will instead be surrounded by 1 million (lively) people who don’t care that you came out for some goddamn peace and quiet. Above, you will find an image I captured while gazing off the balcony of the apartment that I was staying in. As you can see, the beach is less of a beach than it is a sea of people. If you’re into having 0 privacy and listening to 3 different people directly adjacent to you attempt to blast Top 40 Hits while on the beach, then I would humbly recommend South Beach for your next vacation.

2. People Women wearing matching clothing

A well defined pack.

With the sheer volume of bachelorette parties and girls weekends that travel to South Beach, this one is not surprising. For a reason that I’ve yet to define, women in groups often wish to identify themselves by sporting a variety of matching clothing articles. Are they concerned that one of them will get separated from the pack and have to find her way back by following a breadcrumb trail made of glitter? It’s unclear. But let me tell you, they are prepared for such an event. So god bless ’em.

3. Metal detectors and a lot of persistence

A strong effort.
A strong effort.

You never know what hides beneath the sand. Gold? Silver? A chastity ring (ahahah no)? A metal studded g-string bikini (probably)? If you try hard and believe in yourself and also buy a metal detector and a fishing hat, then you can find out for yourself. But you’re a lazy chum, sleeping in your chair, getting sunburned, even while under an umbrella. Wait sorry, that’s me.

4. Tasteful airplane banners


I must tell you, if you are not familiar with Trojan Studded Bareskin condoms before your trip to Miami, you certainly will be after. Relaxing with your boo? Better get some Trojan Studded Bareskin condoms. Traveling with your kids? Maybe you should’ve used Trojan Studded Bareskin condoms (too harsh?). But if condoms don’t interest you, Aerie will follow closely with an advertisement that tells you that “The real you is sexy!” which is nice and makes you think “Hey, thanks, Aerie.” But is also is maybe a reason to buy Trojan Studded Bareskin condoms.

5. Individuals who are exceptionally drunk

I didn’t take a picture of a drunk person, so here’s some alcohol instead.

Although a common thread in many large cities, the showing at South Beach is exceptional. Within half an hour of arriving at South Beach, while eating dinner, a man in his later years stumbled down the sidewalk, cocktail in hand. Upon approaching the outskirts of the restaurant we were attending, where two women much younger than him were enjoying their cocktails, the man abruptly paused his drunken journey to stop and stand literally 6 inches from their table and give each of the women a lingering once-over. He then continued on his journey. I must emphasize that no words were spoken by either party, for the man was too smashed, and the women were too alarmed. Additionally, it was not unusual to be dining in the outdoor portion of a restaurant, and have a stammering, intoxicated human chose to take route through the tables of the establishment. Although often alarming, the experience was generally entertaining and sometimes, let’s be honest, relatable.

6. cLuBz

I can still feel the bass and smell the alcohol.

Looking to turn up at an establishment where the alcohol flows cheap and the lights will pose the risk of seizure in many? South Beach is the place for you. Along the stretch of Ocean Drive, one can find a vast assortment of cLuBz that quite directly meet these requirements. Having never entered one of said cLuBz myself, the scene within is unclear, however, their affinity for exceptionally loud tunes and machines that emit the entirely of the light spectrum are made quite clear to the streets outside. Because really, turn down for what?

7. Selfies

Just one of a series of attempted selfie angles.

Obviously, because you know what, if you look fly as hell, I hope you tell the world about it. Own that ponytail. Work that up-do. Bye, haters.

Things you will not see at South Beach (and beyond):

1. The color beige

Throw it out, Susan.
Throw it out, Susan.
Burn it all.
Burn it all.
What kind of sick joke is this?
What kind of sick joke is this?

Unless it’s your naked body, get rid of it, or cover it in either glitter or something that resembles the coat of wild animal.

2. Pale people

This photo was the right choice.
This photo was the right choice.

No one. There are none. What? You found one? No, you didn’t, that’s a mannequin.

3. Coffee shops


Why drink coffee when you can wake up at noon and immediately start drinking alcohol? The answer is, you don’t. BUCK UP, FOR GOD’S SAKE.

4. Bathing suits with ample coverage

Carol may be 55, but she'll have the supple skin of a 50 -year-old.
Carol may be 50, but she’ll have the supple skin of a 45-year-old.

South Beach is more “sun’s out, guns out” or “sky’s out, thighs out.” Boobs out, breasts out. Butts out, butts. Sorry, I got distracted. The point is, the patrons of South Beach are not particularly concerned with modesty.

5. Clouds

“Jesus, Greg, I told you to put sunscreen on under your deep-v.”

The sun never goes away, which means that it is an extremely dangerous place for white people.

In conclusion, although South Beach may not be my cup of tea, due to my love of neutral colors and ghost-like skin, it is nonetheless a place of intriguing sights and stimulating experiences. The people there pretty much give zero f*cks about what you think, so I give it a 10/10. If you’ve never been, I recommend that you take a trip there, even if only for the people watching. And also because it’s 80 degrees like every day.